I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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