have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
