I haven't been this sober since birth.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
