Life is so much better after having sex.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
