my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
