is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I stole a fireplace last night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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