Pappa wants mamma naked
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
