Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
