Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
