I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
