Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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