I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
