my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
