I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
