I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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