If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
