just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
