I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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