I wish I only lived at night.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
