and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
