alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
