Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
