Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
