The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
