I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
