11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
