Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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