i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
