i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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