i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
