Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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