saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
