you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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