believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Green mimosas i think yes
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
