I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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