you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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