she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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