nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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