And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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