i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
