You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize