so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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