she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Couch. On fire.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
