just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
