can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
