he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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