I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
