Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I currently don't understand fingers.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
