grandma shit on top of the toilet
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
