my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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