Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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