even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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