I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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