I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
