hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
