Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
