I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
