i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
