she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
