My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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