I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
did i just pee glitter
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
